Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Threesome in a minivan. New low
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
