I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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