Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
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