I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
