that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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