Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I need moral support for this bender
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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