i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just found a bag of teeth...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
True strength comes from lack of pants
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
