You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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