why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
