His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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