am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
please come you make the beer taste better
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize
