She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
