I think my fart just growled at me.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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