A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Is Oprah even human
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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