My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
