I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
