dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
