Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
