Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
