i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
