You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
