Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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