i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
