I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
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