I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
