Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
