mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The beer is more important than you right now.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
