She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
