my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
It's just like the Real World with babies
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
