I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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