I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
