just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
