I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
