last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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