Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
