I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
