She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
