We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
