I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
