omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
