We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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