It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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