I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You may now shotgun with the bride
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
