The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
