i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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