Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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