i already hear my dad disowning me
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
