Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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