new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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