I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
